Anguish to Joy

So far this pregnancy has been pretty normal until I received a phone call on Friday April 20th.  My first blood draw was pretty normal but my second blood draw was anything but normal per the nurse on the phone.  Of course I went into immediate worry and kind of shut down, I kindly interrupted the nurse and asked her if I could call her back once I got myself together.  What I was told was that all my levels went up and that they were very concerned that there was something majorly wrong with the baby.  The nurse talked about possible miscarriage before due date, still birth, major birth defects, etc.  Once I talked to my mom and husband and got on my knees and prayed, I finally calmed down a little bit.  I then called the nurse back and they had suggested an Amniocentesis.  Me being the planner that I am wanted it done as soon as possible so we could get the preliminary results back before we left for our big trip to Texas for Todd's Iron Man.  I just didn't want this hanging over us while we were gone and wanted answers before we left town for 10 days.  My appointment was set for Monday April 23 at 1345.  It was the longest weekend ever, we had talked about several things that weekend and a million things moved in and out of our minds and all we felt was a huge dark cloud lingering over us all weekend.  I just knew no matter the outcome we would get through this...TOGETHER!  Monday came and I was on my way by myself to my appointment, I insisted Todd stay with Bella, I didn't want her nap to be interrupted.  Thankfully, the sweet angel in disguise, aka, the genetics counselor Susan, stayed with me through the whole ultra sound and procedure.  All, I kept thinking was, this could possibly be the last time I see our baby.  But, I tried to stay positive and Susan prayed with me before the procedure and after.  The procedure was done in less than 5 minutes and it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would (google truly is your worse enemy in situations like this).  I left a little more peaceful then when I came in.  And now we wait...Monday night we were fine, except the usual circus we call our 2 dogs and sweet daughter.  Tuesday night, neither Todd nor I could sleep, I felt sick to my stomach all night, we were both on edge and even poor Sadie (our Boston Terrier) broke out in hives (no joke).  Wednesday (I renamed it D-Day) was much like Tuesday night, I hardly ate anything all day and felt sick to my stomach all day.  I then decided to lay down for a little bit and put Bella down early for her nap.  As I was falling asleep, the phone rang...my palms were sweaty, my heart raising, I said God whatever happens I know your here for us, and I answered the phone.  The first thing that I heard was we have GOOD NEWS, the preliminary results came back good.  No, problems seen!!  I have never screamed so loud my whole entire life, I immediately called my husband (which I knew by now probably had no nails, he's a nervous chewer) and then my mom.  So, we were able to leave for our Texas journey knowing that the 4 early tests done all came back good.  While we were down in Texas, my angel in disguise, Susan, called to tell me that all the results came back good.  No, problems seen.  As to why my blood work came back all crazy, the explanation I was given was, sometimes babies just make too many hormones and it effects your blood work.  I was never told this as a possible reason why my blood work was the way it was and I wish they would of told me this.  Then my overactive imagination would of never gotten a workout, I guess.  But, as of today, we have a healthy baby with no problems seen.  And, thank you so very much to all of our family and friends, that prayed along with us...we are so grateful for all of you!!

So I guess we're having another kid... ;-)

We've known for quite sometime that we are having baby #2.  We just wanted to do something special instead of just calling people that included Bella.  So, we waited till my first ultra sound to get a picture and then we had our new friend Aimee take a picture of Bella with her sibling to be.  And what a wonderful job she did  (Aimee that is)!!  So, now its finally out!  We'll now be a family of 6.

Now if I could just make the doctor take back what she said today during my appointment...she believes we're having a boy because of the heart rate and supposedly she's always right!

Either way...as long as the baby is healthy thats really all we care about!

What is a birthday...at least my view on it

When I was younger (much younger), I looked forward to my birthday, I looked forward to the cake my mom would make, the presents that I would get, and just feeling super special on that day.  I looked forward to listening to my parents tell me the story of my birth and loved hearing it every year.   Now, birthdays (at least mine) are different.  In all honesty, I feel that we should be saying happy giving birth day to our moms.  They did all the hard work.  And, I probably say this now, because I have given birth to a baby and know how that day will always be one of my very favorites.  So, this year, I just feel blessed that my mom went through all that to have me and that she is still here with us and that is more than I could ever want.

So...Mom...Happy Giving Birth Day, thank you for all you did for me these last 33 years!

This time last year....11/11/2010

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. 
~1 samuel 1:27 from NKJV


Its so very hard for me to believe that Bella is a year old.   I have a swarm of emotions going on today...excitement that she is a year old, sadness that its gone by way too fast (slow down, mama wants to hold you a little longer), thankfulness that we (she) hasn't had any major health or physical problems to date, blessed to have such a wonderful, beautiful baby girl, scared for her future in this hard world, but most of all I feel more love for her then the day she was born.  Words could never be enough to describe the feelings you have for your child. 


So HAPPY BIRTHDAY my sweet Bella, we love you more than words!! 

My life as (HIS) Air Force Wife

The military lifestyle, for me at least, is...different.  Some people mesh very well with it.  They live on base and love it, always attend the family support meetings.  They love moving, getting new orders, and seem to make instant friends wherever they go.  This is not me.  

And I don't mean to sound like I am bashing this breed of military wife.  I envy it, actually.  It takes me a while to find my groove in a new place.  I would never live on base, unless forced.  I don't like the military to envelope my life.  I love that my husband feels joy in what he does.  But what he does and what I do are two different things.  I need the separation from the base.  Minus the time spent overseas, we rarely shop on base, and when Todd gets off of work, the uniform gets taken off and I feel like I can return to my "normal" life.

And I HATE moving.   I hate trying to make another house a home, all to realize that I have to do it all again in 2-3 years.  I hate leaving old and amazing friends, and it is hard for me to put myself out there to make new ones.  I hate that one of the first questions I am asked is "what rank is your husband?"  I hate deployments and TDYs.  I hear all the time "thank God he's leaving for a week" but I loathe time away from my hubby.  I hate when he gets called in or stays late for nonsense that only the military can make up.  I want my daughter to grow up almost the same way I grew up...in 1 house for 18 years, friends that I knew in 1st grade and graduated with, a place that always feels like home no matter how long I've been away from it.

A lot of rambling/venting just to say while some spouses thrive in this kind of lifestyle, I have yet to find my groove in it.  Luckily I seem to have met at least one person here that makes me feel normal and myself, and doesn't define me by my husband, what he does, or what his rank is.  I am trying my best to be open, and will of course continue to support and love my husband to my greatest ability, but I hope that someday I grow more fond of what this lifestyle has to offer.  And if anyone has any friendly advice, it is always welcome.

Binky Bootcamp...aka taking the pacifier away from BR

We did it, its our fault, and we take full (okay part) responsibility why she has this addiction.  As I was laying in bed the other night (husband and both dogs snoring up a storm...aargh), I was thinking that maybe we probably need to not let her sleep with the paci anymore (envisions daughter graduating high school with pacifier in mouth).  Now to be fair we don't give it to her all the time or even to shut her up (like some parents I have seen...ahem).  We just give it to her at night and during her naps.  Before Bella was born I always said I wouldn't be that parent that has a 4 year old thats still sucking away on their paci (I apologize now if whoever is reading this has one of those).  So, when she was born Todd and I agreed NO PACIFIER's!!  We went with it for awhile, I believe it was at her 1 month checkup that the doctor asked if she sucked on a paci and of course we said no.  Well, she then told us that it helps some babies sooth...blah, blah, blah, blah, and oh blah.  So, we decided to see how she reacted to it and well, she loved it, thinking back on it now, it was a bad move on our part.  We should of stayed strong!  Fast forward 8 months to August 2011, we now have agreed to get rid of it all together.  So, I decided to start with nights (since thats when she's most tired). Todd came in as I was giving her a night time bottle and I said I'm not giving her the pacifier tonight, he said...at all, and I said yep, good luck he responds.  I thought cold turkey should work, she's exhausted, it will be fine.  As soon as I laid her down, she knew exactly what was missing....her drug!  I came downstairs and said we'll wait for 10 minutes and if she doesn't stop crying by then, then I'll go back up and give it to her.  She didn't, in fact when I went in to give her back her drug (I guess I'm considered her drug dealer, ha) she was sweating and crying (like withdraw symptoms).  I felt bad but decided that every night we'll just make it longer and longer till we go give it to her.  I hope tonight is a bit easier on us both...stay tuned!!

The Great Work Debate

To work or not to work that is the question.  Financially we are blessed right now that we do not need dual income to make ends meet, we just have to stick to a budget (my husband will appreciate that line).  I've been debating going back to work since the second I knew I was pregnant, way back when we were still living in Hungary.  I have to admit I absolutely love working but I also absolutely love our daughter.  As a normal person I have a pretty overactive imagination but as a mother its 10X worse.  For example, I had a job interview the other day and Todd was out of town for AF stuff so of course we needed a babysitter.  We've interviewed this lady and both felt pretty comfortable that she would take pretty good care of Bella.  So, this was the 1st time since moving here that we left her with anyone.  I'm sure you can imagine what was all going through my head as I pulled out of our drive way....kid nap, neglect, torture, starvation, and abuse.  So me with my crazy imagination drove around the neighborhood 3 times to make sure her car was still there....and it was.  When I think of leaving Bella at a daycare all day or with a stranger I get major anxiety which usually ends in me crying and Todd looking at me like I just escaped from the looney bin.  Not only that I think of all the things I could possibly miss (all of her 1st's), and that just crushes me.  I love spending my days with her but then I also think that it would do me good to work.  I've thought about working part time but then basically my pay check would be going toward child care, which to me is kind of pointless.  Todd is in no way pressuring me to work, just being ultra supportive and wants me to do what I feel comfortable doing (I'm a lucky girl).  So, I continue debating this issue and weigh the pro's and cons constantly...until I come to a resolution, I'm going to go love on my baby girl!